When Holidays Hurt: Coping with Grief in a Season of Celebration

Nancy arrived 20 minutes early and pulled into a parking spot, but she didn’t immediately shut off the engine. The headlights dimmed as snow began to settle around her car. She watched other parents dutifully parade toward the double doors of the school auditorium. “Jim was always late,” she thought. Then again, he had been a good sport last year, dressing up as Santa and handing out gifts. He probably had more fun than the kids. This year was different. Since Jim’s passing in July, events like the annual school holiday concert had become excruciating. Switching off the ignition, she checked her “happy face” in the rear view mirror, and opened the car door.

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The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, connection, and celebration. Yet, for many this time of year brings an intensified sense of loss. Whether grieving the death of a loved one, the absence of a relationship, or unmet hopes, the contrast between holiday cheer and personal sorrow can feel overwhelming. As mental health professionals, we know that grief does not take a vacation. It often grows louder when everything around us suggests happiness.

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When chestnuts are roasting and the Yule-tide carols are being sung, how do we make space for grief in our lives, or that of our clients? Many may feel that grief isn't invited to the party and tune it out, but we know that recognizing and validating grief during the holidays is essential. This time of year can be exhausting when you are not feeling your best and spending all your energy avoiding grief. Instead of trying to push through or put on a bright facade, we can from compassionate acknowledgment of their pain and concrete strategies to cope.

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Below are ways to help your clients navigate this season while holding space for grief.

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1. Give Permission

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Grief doesn’t follow a calendar, and it doesn’t take breaks for special occasions. Remind clients that it is okay to feel sad, angry, or numb. They do not have to meet anyone else’s expectations of “holiday spirit.”

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2. Set Boundaries

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Social gatherings and traditions may feel draining. Encourage clients to say “no” when needed, to leave events early, or to choose smaller, more meaningful connections rather than over-committing.

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3. Honor Your Loved One

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For those grieving a death, finding intentional ways to include the memory of a loved one can be comforting. This could take the form of:

• Lighting a candle in your loved one’s honor.
  
• Cooking a favorite recipe they enjoyed.
  
• Reminisce with others by making time to share stories or photos as part of a gathering.
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4. Create New Traditions

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Sometimes old traditions feel too painful to continue them. Suggest exploring new rituals that reflect current needs, such as taking a quiet walk, volunteering, or planning a trip. Shifting expectations can relieve the pressure of trying to recreate the past.

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5. Prioritize Self-Care

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The accelerated pace of holidays can amplify stress. Clients can benefit from grounding in self-care, such as:

• Get adequate rest.
• Engage in movement or exercise.
• Eat regularly and mindfully.
• Practice mindfulness or breathing exercises.
  
  

6. Plan Ahead

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Anticipating difficult moments and thinking through them can help reduce anxiety. Encourage clients to consider:

• Which events they want to attend or skip.
• Who they can call or text for support if emotions spike.
• Exit strategies for overwhelming situations.
  
  

7. Seek Support

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Isolation can deepen grief. Encourage connection with supportive friends, family, faith communities, or grief support groups. In the colder months, it can seem easier to stay inside and avoid interacting with people. It is important to still engage in at least a minimum level of connection with others particularly during this time.

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8. Manage Expectations

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The holidays will be different, and that’s okay. Clients may find peace in lowering expectations of themselves and others, allowing room for both sorrow and small moments of joy.

In times of loss, the holidays can intensify feelings of grief, and they can also provide opportunities for healing when approached with compassion and intentionality. By validating emotions, setting realistic expectations, and engaging in supportive practices, clients can navigate this season in a way that feels authentic to their experience.

As counselors, we can remind our clients that grief is not something to “get over.” It is something to learn to live alongside. With gentle guidance and practical coping strategies, the holidays can become not just a season to endure, but one where resilience and meaning can slowly take root.

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References

Beattie, M. (2006). The grief club: The secret to getting through all kinds of change. Hazelden Publishing.

Devine, M. (2017). It's OK that you're not OK: Meeting grief and loss in a culture that doesn't understand. Sounds True.

Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: The sixth stage of grief. Scribner.

Roe, G. (2019). Aftermath: Picking up the pieces after a suicide. Gary Roe.

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Originally published in the IMHCA (Illinois Mental Health Counselors Association) Fall 2025 Newsletter.

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